What 2019 Will Bring

A new year is among us and like most of you I plan on making some changes for the betterment of my life and well-being. To start, I want to write more and journal more on this platform that I began so long ago. Today I went through some of my old journal entries on here and fell in love with writing and sharing all over again.

I apologize for being away for so long and neglecting this platform. My life has been a whirlwind for the past year or so, but I promise to do better with making this a priority not only for you but for myself.

The past year I have been trying to figure out how to live more self aware. I have not been gentle with myself and I have not been showing myself the love I deserve. At the end of 2018, shortly after my Sistar Circle event I began to distant myself from the things that truly brought me joy. It wasn't intentional nor was I truly aware of it until recently.  In becoming aware of it I was able to see clearly that I was not living for myself which resulted in me getting lost in how others viewed me rather than who I truly am at the core of my being. I was living for the betterment of them and the relationship I had with them instead of living for the betterment of myself and allowing joy and love to lead me. 

In 2019, I am not doing that any longer.

I am living each day as my authentic self and if there is someone in my life that takes offense to that or disagrees with me or my actions they will be removed from my life. At the end of the day, you need people in your corner that truly loves and admires who you are outside of their own judgments and needs of you. 

In addition to this change, this year I will go after what I truly desire and deserve in life. For so long I have been holding myself back from following a dream, a job, a hobby, etc because I was too afraid of failing at it. I began something and didn't finish it or I had a great idea to start something and never got around to actually starting it. I was letting fear dictate every move I made or did not make in life. 

Realizing that fear and the fear of failure will always be there allowed me to figure out how to overcome it. Understanding that by trying you are succeeding in a way is how I will continue to look at fear this year. You cannot fail if you do not try. You cannot learn from your mistakes if you do not try. You cannot overcome those mistakes if you do not try. I am going after whatever I want as long as it fills me and God guides me to it and I am going after it with an overstanding that there is a lesson to be learned and growth to come from it..

I look forward to sharing more with you this year. I look forward to the growth we will have together. I look forward to the shifts and changes we will go through together. I look forward to what 2019 will bring. Let's kick ass! 

- patience tamarra

Our Sistar Circle

Sunday the 8th I, along side my beautiful sisters Zoë and Jasmine hosted an intimate sister circle event at a beautiful yoga studio in the city. The event was amazing, the studio was filled with so much love and light, those that joined us shared pieces of their stories and listened to ours. The moments we shared in that room will forever by cherished. Time stood still for us as we unraveled the many layers of trauma and pain we caused and endured from others and we were there for each other through it all. 

Now to take a step back.

I believe that sisterhood should be the foundation within the black wombman community, but unfortunately these days it seems that it is a foreign idea. I wanted to break that stigma because healing can truly come from sisterhood. Throughout my self-love journey, I have found that journeying together with my sisters who care for my well-being, motives me to keep pushing and reminds me that I am never alone no matter how lonely I may feel. This is what made me want to create this safe space for us. 

For the past 2 years I have been planning this event in silence. Not very sure of myself and my purpose, but everything began to align for me this year and the Universe sent many signs my way to confirm that I was on the right path. After much sacrifice, planning, crying, excitement and disappointment I was able to manifest a beautiful evening with beautiful wombman and I am so proud of myself. 

All of us had similar stories and all of us had similar traumas. Coming into the room you would see a group of beautiful black wombman unsure of themselves, but sure that they were in the right place at the right time. We all participated in a relaxing and grounding guided meditation with sound healing led by Jasmine, an intimate discussion about self-care, acknowledgement and acceptance led by Zoë, and a self-love activity led by yours truly. 

The evening ended with everyone chatting uncontrollably with one another, basking in all the glory that just took place and everyone receiving a self-care bag to take home with them. The self-care bag included daily reminders, sage, palo santo and a rose quartz crystal to help with the healing of their heart chakras.

 I am thankful for all of the beautiful wombman who came to this incredible event and allowed us to be apart of your healing. If you missed this event, don't worry. There will be more to come.

-Patience Tamarra

Life Update 2018

Dear You,

I know that when life happens and you aren't ready for it you feel like you are running around in circles. That's how I have been feeling lately. I have had little to no drive to do much, but eat and sleep. But today, I found clarity. I found a piece of light worth holding onto. I found a piece of my self that I missed deeply. I found hope and love and joy and I hope that you will find it soon too.

I've learned within the past 4 months that life is never a walk in the park and growth is never linear. There will always be dark spaces that we have to maneuver through even when we don't have the courage or energy to do so. Have faith and understand that the Universe knows our true power and will never throw things our way that we don't have the energy to catch nor carry. 

Know that you are not alone in your struggle. Know that you are worth the light and love you give freely to others. Know that you are deserving of true happiness. Know that you are divine. Know that you are strong. Know that you are loved.

Your's Truly,

Patience Tamarra

Check out my latest update on my YouTube channel.

https://youtu.be/rhpD5Ualox8

Releasing and Refilling

They say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. For those not familiar with this saying, it pretty much notes the strength in turning any bad situation into a good one. What the old folks screaming this saying don't tell you is that to embody this mindset you have to ache and be uncomfortable for a while before being able to reap the rewards. I think that the saying should definitely come with a disclaimer of sort.

Anyway, since the beginning of 2016 I have been trying my hardest to live my life by this saying everyday. I have been trying to see the positive in every situation/ experience that comes my way but it is damn hard. Being 21 feels like being trapped in a cave/ tunnel and walking toward what you think is an exit where there is light, to only find a candle sitting on the floor and you still surrounded by the cave. You feel like you've found a way out, you feel like you've accomplished a great goal, but you still have a long way to go before you get to that light at the end of the tunnel. I guess this is what comes with "adulting".

So since we can't escape these negative and draining situations/ experiences, we have to find ways to keep our spirits high as we go through them.

I've found that affirmations/ mantras are the easiest and most revitalizing way for me to get through any uncomfortable situation/ experience and thoughts. Your affirmations can be anything you feel in your heart. I like to turn the things working against me into my affirmations which again goes back to the saying "when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade". There is power in affirming statements. You manifest things, people, experiences, goals, etc into your reality through your thoughts subconsciously. By saying affirmations out loud, you are literally speaking to your subconscious mind and it is listening and taking in all of this information in order to move you through life in such a way so that you can receive the things you need and desire most.

My affirmation from above came to me in the wake of me realizing that a new month has sprung. I automatically began to think about all the things I have yet to accomplish and the fact that this year is more than half way over. I began to sink into bad self-talk and feelings of unworthiness. Thankfully, I snapped out of it after realizing that every moment counts and that it is never too late to go after what you want most and to stand in your life's purpose. Instead of allowing my thoughts to get the best of me, I silenced all the negativity and decided to take hold of it and change it to something positive.

Affirmations are a great tool to start, but they are not the only key to a purposeful and joyful life. Actions will always speak louder than words. If your actions do not match up with your affirming statements and mantras, you are confusing not only yourself, but also the Universe and your subconscious mind.

Your reality will not change unless you do.

My words of advice to you:
Begin looking within and listening to your inner guide as it will never steer you wrong. Once you have a clearer idea of what you must change/ release. Begin the journey to healing through affirming statements and actions that match.

Sending you love.

I'm Not Giving Up On Black Love

I had a weird conversation with my mother and sister the other day about black love. My sister and I were quick to say that we want black love and that we only see ourselves with black men. While my mother, who has years of dating experience, objected and said "I've been trying to find black love for years and still no luck." My guess is that many black women feel this way about black love. It is hard to find. Which brings me to the question of whether or not black love is still alive today. We rarely see genuine black love portrayed on the big screens and God knows the media loves slamming a dirty breakup among black couples across every outlet possible. And that saddens me because I believe that black love matters and that black love does exist. And I say this despite my own experiences in relationships with black men. Now I am still very young and have a lot more to experience and learn but my opinion matters and should be heard. I might persuade you to stick it out for a while.

So with all that being said, let me share my recent experience with black love which helped me come to the conclusion that black love is for me. 

I met someone online via a mutual friend and decided to give a long distance relationship a shot. Almost instantly we fell in love (or so we thought). So being on cloud love I decided to fly 3,000 miles away, despite my mother's wishes, to a place I knew nothing about to visit/be with the man I loved. I just knew he was the one and that we would build a beautiful life together so I sacrificed everything even my own safety (which I would not advise anyone to do) to met him. Now, our first in person encounter was not perfect and I had my doubts throughout our relationship but given the fact that I had never experienced love before I figured the doubts and imperfections/uneasiness was normal-- just first time jitters so to speak. After all I never felt this way about anyone before. 

Fast forward just a few months after my visit, the relationship ended which was fine except it ended abruptly and down right wrong. This man didn't even have the balls to tell me he was no longer interested. The balls to tell me it was officially "over". We were having trouble but in my eyes we were going to work things out because that's what you do when you are in love and hitting a rough patch. Well, he thought differently. Instead of being a man and communicating with me he, like most black men I have come across decided to ignore my calls and pretend as if I did not exist. So here I am, yet again left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and crushed soul (can anyone else attest to this story line, raise your hand). 

But still with all that being said, I'm not giving up on black love and this experience is actually the reason why I decided not to give up. This experience showed me just how much black men need black love. This experience showed me just how important it is to show ignorant black men how black women should be treated, valued and respected. Black woman are admired by many and also disrespected by many. They want what we have and take what we have without giving us the credit or appreciation for it. Needless to so, black men are treated the same. They are often ridiculed and objectified (again, like black women) for just simply being black, strong and godly. 

Black men know me. They know my struggle. They know my everyday battles like the back of their hand because their mothers and sisters and grandmothers went through/ are going through the same. They know us but they may not know themselves. They know us but they sometimes lack the love for themselves and brother if you don't love yourself you will never be able to love the reflection of you that is the black woman. This is why I am not giving up on black love. Despite my heartbreak. Despite being mistreated by so many black men. Despite all of that, I know that black love is real and can be a cure for all of our pain. I know that black love is amazing and that I as well as my future black partner, deserve it.

-patience tamarra

Dear MLK,

Born January 15th in 1929. You would be 88 years old today. And I am sure you would still look and feel great because "black don't crack". But in all seriousness this day, which was originally known as a day of service is dedicated to you and your legacy. This day is celebratory because without your very existence the black community would not have a place in this country. With this day comes remembrance of your entire legacy and the fight for freedom that still remains relevant today.

The past few years have been hard. Damn hard. Especially for the black community. We've seen our brothers and sisters get slaughtered on video by police. We've seen racist remarks and behavior on national television during the Presidential Election. We (and I say that very loosely) have now elected a racist, corrupt man as our President and God only knows what is to come of that once Friday passes. What I am trying to say is, that a lot has changed since your time but the same battles are still being fought just in a different manner.  We are still trying to be silenced and we are still trying to be told that our fight doesn't matter. That All Lives Matter so Black Lives don't or so there is no need to have an organization fighting for Black Lives. We are all tired just as you were sitting in those jail cells feeling defeated. We are all disappointed just as you were when our people turned to violence despite your cry for peace. We are lost and that is something that we look to you for guidance. Which is why today is a day of reflecting, of remembering, of learning and of perseverance.

You taught us that our black is beautiful despite what the outside sources say. You taught us that we matter despite what the outside sources say. You taught us what it means to be a true leader in our community and how we all can embody leadership characteristics to continue lighting the torch of freedom for our people. Because if we don't, who will? 

Outside of all your greatness as an activist and religious leader, you were a family man who taught us that black families are important and although they are not perfect, they are needed. A unity and bond that cannot be broken in the home is the strong foundation we need to build community. For when we understand what our love is, we understand how to use that love to let our brothers and sisters in our neighborhoods and schools know that they matter to us if not anyone else. 

What I am trying to say is that we love you for simply being you. For fighting for our rights and our future. For being fearless. For being brave and bold. For going against the odds and standing tall in your beliefs. For being someone we look up to and someone we will always learn from. For being a family man. For being a father to all of us. 

I thank you and every other activist, fighter, leader who came before you and after you everyday of my life not just today. But today, I wanted to tell you personally. So thank you.

With Love,

Ptamarra

2017 Life Update on YouTube

Hi beautiful friends. In case you don't live on the East Coast, we are currently having a nice relaxing snow day! Needless to say, I have been super productive today. I filmed my first YouTube video of the year and unintentionally edited it all in the same day. With that being said, I now have a new chit-chat/life update video on my channel that I would love all of you to watch. The video is a great way for us to reconnect/connect with one another. It is my way of extending my hand and leading you through a new journey that is sure to change your life for the better. 

Please watch, like and comment on the video if you are curious about the new changes that I have coming for the new year and subscribe to my channel to follow along with the journey. 

https://youtu.be/AdmhoueYuWE

Finding Closure

Breakups suck, that we all know. But what we may not want to realize is that we prolong the "releasing" phase by haunting our thoughts with questions. Questions that we want so badly for the other person to answer for us. We almost always seek validation and closure for relationships that didn't work. We often feel like it is our fought, so we want to know why we were treated badly, what we could have done to make it work and why our luck is so bad in the love department. By doing this (asking ourselves these questions) we never truly free ourselves from the relationship and the other person.

With that being said, I want to suggest freeing yourself by providing yourself with closure.

So how do we find closure on our own after the relationship ends and no true conversation was had? How do we find the answers we so desperately need after heartbreak and heartache? How do we move forward with a clear mind and a full heart? The answers to these questions are different for each of us. However, the way we go about finding these answers is the same.

Now this ain't easy love. Making the transition to a happier life after turmoil will seem almost impossible for some of us. But I am here to tell you, from personal experience, that it is doable. The deeper your desire is to connect with yourself and trust in the Universe, the easier the process will be.

Start by focusing on yourself. 

Do the things that you love to do. Isolate yourself if need be. Write down your thoughts. Your mind will try to bring you down by dragging those questions up and down your brain but remember what you have to do to find the answers. Look within yourself, affirm what/who you are and trust that the Universe has a better path for you to follow at this time. Don't spend this time replaying arguments, wondering how things would have been if you did this and he/she did that. Understand that this is your reality. This is the present. The harder you try to ignore it, the worse you will become. Take as long as you need to come to the realization that this is real. He/she is gone and it is for the better. I hate to say it but everything does happen for a reason and you need to know that the reason for this is a positive one.

Then, start reflecting on the changes you have to make. 

Breakups are the best time to figure out what you need to change to better yourself (either for your next relationship or just period, for yourself). What things did you do throughout the relationship that wasn't genuine? Did you act outside of your character? Do you feel like you treated yourself the way you should have throughout the relationship? What is it that made you stay if you knew the relationship was toxic? Ask yourself these question and write down your thoughts. Try hard not to judge yourself throughout these exercises. Judging will only make the process harder. No judgment allowed. You are asking yourself this questions for one reason and one reason only--to better yourself. By doing this you are allowing yourself room to change. You are leveling up your frequency, so to speak.

If you actually do this, and believe in the steps and in yourself I am almost certain you will find your happiness again. You will find closure without it being provided by the person who left you in the first place. You don't need them to validate your existence. Let they ass go, but let them go without holding a grudge and without hate. And let me tell you, if your intent when letting them go is not pure, the negativity will fester. Trust me.

But if you affirm that you are great. That you were created perfect. That you are love therefore will always attract love. That you are amazing in all of your right, you will get over the heartbreak. You will find freedom. You will find peace. You will find happiness. You will relight your inner candle. You will shine bright. And soon you will begin to attract the people who truly deserve you. And that my darling is worth much more than shade throwing.

I wish you luck on your "releasing" phase my dear. Know that you are not alone in this journey.

-patiencetamarra

A Letter From The Editor

Journal entry date: 10/29/2016

Time: 11:13pm

State of mind: calm

This quote I read tonight really struck a nerve for me. Almost immediately after I read it, I had an immense feeling of awakening. I felt as if that quote, those words, were placed gently on that paper for me specifically to read. And what perfect timing that was. I have been saying to myself for the past few weeks that I need to focus on what I love. I need to focus on my purpose. Yet, I still haven't given it my full attention. Why is that? The easiest and simplest answer is because of fear. 

Before tonight this did not seem so clear. Before reading those words, I was lost and I didn't know why. I was searching for light in a dark room. 

But now, these words have helped me to be honest with myself and (most importantly) acknowledge the fear that continues to hold me back from trying. 

In being honest with myself, I know now that I am fearful of 3 main things when it comes to my online journal. 

1. I am fearful that my content will not be as professional as others.

2. I am fearful that my content will not be as desirable. 

3. I am fearful that people will not accept my content and vulnerability. 

I fear all of these things which sums up one main emotion or feeling: failure.

I understand that fearing failure and rejection is normal. It is okay. But, I know that I am a special being who deserves to try at her dreams. Thus, I will try and continue to try until I am happy with the person I have become. 

Tonight I affirm that by trying I am already winning. 

Spring Stepping Stones: Being Myself

Photography by Joshua Shelton

How do you fully embrace yourself?

This society is constantly manipulating us into believing we are not worthy.

Media has painted a vivid picture of what beautiful is and means.

Our actions toward one another speaks volumes to this belief of beauty and self-worth.

Young girls and boys are learning to hate themselves before reaching their adolescent years and it breaks my heart.

So, how do you fully and wholeheartedly show up for yourself and embrace all that you are?

That is what the journey to self-love is based upon--finding the strength to show up for yourself and using your power to embrace yourself when society tells you not to.

-Patience Davis




It is not easy nor is it fulfilling in the beginning. Which I learned this spring. So I want to discuss one of my many "spring stepping stones" with you because it may help you or someone else on their self-love journey. If you are new to my journey, stop reading now and take a look at all of my self notes. You will understand me better by doing so.

So now let's chat.

I feel like everyone goes through a time in their lives when they are completely lost. For me this was when I turned 20 years old. I felt like it was and still is a weird time in my life. I am trying to figure myself out as well as my career goals and my relationship goals. A lot goes through my mind every single day but the most drilling thought is the one of peace and love.

By this I mean that the one thing I truly desire in life like most of us is peace and love. Peace within myself and love from others. I thought this self-love journey would help me get to that space in my life but it hasn't. This spring I finally realized--after beating myself up about not practicing what I preach--that I wasn't making progress because I was not being myself fully. I was not embracing myself fully as one should every day. I was hiding my identity, I was trying to become someone else. Someone who was more likable. Someone who was more relatable and "normal".

I didn't see or understand any of this before until I reconnected with an old friend this past spring. He was a dear friend, one that I always knew would be around when I needed him. Except the connection wasn't there anymore. I no longer needed him the way I once did. I no longer held on to the past the way I once did. And by not holding on to the past, I recreated my future and my purpose.

The recreation of this led me to open my eyes to me, to my capabilities and to my true self. Throughout my self-love journey I often looked at my past and tried to understand why things happened the way they did and why I did the things I did. But after getting a glance into my past I realized that I have changed and I wasn't embracing my changed self--my grown up and matured self.

But how can you embrace yourself if you don't even know who you are?

I hadn't yet connected with my changed self because I was too busy trying to figure out my past self. This new outlook and idea of connection with your current Self has helped me get closer to fully loving me and fully showing up for myself every damn day. And now I feel closer to Patience than I ever have before. I am in-tune with me, I can name my thoughts and emotions without judgement. I can look at myself in the mirror and smile and laugh just because. To me these are all signs that I am at peace with myself and most importantly showing myself the proper love I so deserve.

Cheers to that.

This Mother's Day Was Different

First I will start by saying Happy Mother's Day to all the supermoms out there that have been holding their families down since day one. You all are worthy of so much more than one day of celebration. You all deserve your biggest dreams and your hopes. You all deserve no back talk and no sass. You all deserve yes ma'ams and will dos. My mom, a single mother of 3, deserves the moon and the stars because they are the only thing in this universe that is worthy. 

This mother's day was different for me. It was more meaningful to me than those before. I always knew that mother's day for my family was extremely important. My mom raised my sisters and I by herself. She had little to no help from others. Our fathers were nearly never there when she needed them to be. Our relatives had families of their own to care for so we were just a burden. My mother had my oldest sister in her mid 20s, had me just 2 years later and my little sister in her 30s--by that time she sort of had motherhood figured out. But before the birth of my youngest sister, I saw my mom's struggle first hand. We moved from home to home. We barely got to see her because she had to work and grind hard to put food on the table. We often stayed with family friends who were no good. Because we relocated so often, by the age of 10 I had been to 5 different elementary schools (a different one for each year). One could imagine how hard it was for me to make friends. I always have been a little standoffish and I'm starting to believe that is the reason why. But anyway, to say the least my mother made sure her 3 girls were good. She made sure we had food, clothes and a place to lay our heads at night. 

I can remember one day being picked up from summer school and being told that our car was stolen. I saw that my mom was completely exhausted and overwhelmed so instead of making a fuss I just gave her a hug. Amazingly enough she was able to pick us up and locate the car and get it back all in the same day. I swear she has super powers. She never complained (unless we didn't clean the dishes) and she rarely did anything for herself. We were and are still her lifeline. 

Now I know many of us have similar stories to tell about our mothers so bare with me if I am boring you. These reasons are enough to make any mother's day special but there was one thing my mother did for many years that changed this mother's day for me. 

I mentioned earlier that my father and my sister's fathers were never there. Throughout the years I learned to just accept that and move on. I didn't understand why they acted this way but I was comfortable enough with myself and my life to let them (more particularly him) go. I grew up with a father whom I thought was my biological father. I've known him my entire life so to think anything different was ridiculous. Well, after a few years of questioning my existence and hearing whispered conversations about my father I mustered up the courage to ask my mother a question. "Who is my real father?".I'm sure the question hit her like a ton of bricks. I never questioned her about it before but I felt that I was mature enough and old enough to know the truth now. She took a long sigh and began to tell her story. I sobbed for days and I held it against her for months. I couldn't understand why she kept such a secret from me. 

Through the pain I learned something. I realized that she kept that secret from me for me. My father past away months before I was born. He didn't know I existed and his family didn't care to build a relationship with me. My mother knew that I would be crushed by this news so she held this secret from me for 20 years until she knew I was ready. Mother knows best is what people always say and now I believe this to be true. If she had shared this with me any sooner I would still be crushed and miserable while steadily questioning my existence and purpose. But with her guidance and my own strength, I have learned to recover from the pain and understand my story. Most importantly, I have learned to accept my story.

It takes a strong woman to keep such a secret for many years. It takes an even stronger woman to keep such a secret in order to save their child the embarrassment and pain. So this mother's day was different for me. I had a different outlook on life and reasoning. I now know that everything, and I do mean everything my mother does for us is for our own good.

Thank you mom.

How I Lost My Way: The Unfiltered Truth

 

I have been away for a very long time. I needed to take a step back, acknowledge the pain and figure out a solution. The solution I am still figuring out but the acknowledgement and acceptance I want to share. 

It was late Sunday afternoon (5.1.16) after a heated argument with my sister and mother when I realized just how lost I was. As we all went back and forth trying to make valid points in our arguments, something in me shut down. I was familiar with the feeling as it has been happening to me a lot lately.  I shut them out completely. I shut myself out. I couldn't understand or control my thoughts nor could I rationalize them. I disassociated my body from my mind.

It was then when I realized, I was not familiar with the person staring back at me in the mirror. I did not know what she looked like. I did not understand her emotions. I was lost. Who had I become and when did this all happen? 

To figure it all out, I traced my steps--everything I did, everyone I came into contact with, everything I embraced and everything I let go of. I traced it all and took note of it. Finally, I noticed a pattern. I could identify my breaking point. The point in which I lost myself, my purpose and my culture. 

My breaking point:

In September of last year my life changed. My everyday interactions were now with people that could not relate to me.  As the only black girl in the building (most of the time) I felt like an unrepresented outcast. I began to get caught up in the life and culture of my new surroundings. Being around people who don't look like me and who can't relate to me is unfortunate and quite frankly unhealthy. So in order to fit in, as most of us do, I camouflage. I camouflage my self, my culture, my persona, my style, my integrity, my ethnicity and my hood (childhood). At first it was all unbeknownst to me but I learned how to camouflage so well, that I began to question my own true existence. I mean let's be real, some just don't understand nor respect the story of a black girl growing up in the hood without a "traditional" family. I didn't want to be "that black girl". 

Now in the midst of all of this, I lost some friendships and relationships. I moved back home with my mother. My life was in shambles and it all took a toll on me. I stopped blogging, I stopped reading and I stopped getting dressed up. I stopped going out (not that I went out a lot to begin with). To say the least, I stopped being me. I got lazy and forgetful. I did not know my purpose in life. Instead of facing the truth, I pretended I was okay. But really I felt like I had nothing of my own. I decided to move back home after moving out for one year, so I did not have my own space anymore. I dismissed my culture to feel apart of another, so I had nothing or no one to identify with. I let my purpose which I once saw so clearly go a blur, so I was living for nothing. In my eyes, I was a lump of matter going unnoticed.

 

Lost in a black hole.

 

 

But wait.

 

Now you are wondering how I realized this all. How I was able to reel it all in and acknowledge what was happening to me. As cliché as it sounds, I read a quote and it all made sense to me. The quote is by Jess Adams, whom I found on Instagram randomly. The quote reads:

 

 

"There's a power

in accepting

who you are

 

and there's a power

in becoming

who you want to be.

 

do both

and you'll be

unstoppable."

 

 

These words resonated with me. I let my surroundings and my current predicament redefine who I was/am. I was not accepting the true me. I was not accepting my true identity, my true background, nor my true culture. Thus I was unable to live up to my full potential and the goals I once saw to be reachable seemed too far away. But I had the power to turn this completely around.

 

Sometimes it takes something as simple as a quote, a passage or a scripture to heal the deepest of wounds. And as I mentioned before, I am still a working progress but I feel light now that I have accepted the truth.

 

I hope this resonates with someone else. The feeling is a real one. 

 

 

 

Dear Self: Formation

Photography by Joshua Shelton

Let's talk, shall we. 

You have some explaining to do. To me. Because you are driving me crazy with your whining and your emotions.

So let's just take a moment to chat for a bit. 

I want you to take a look at everything you are. Everything you have become. 

Take a good look.  Take a closer look. 

I mean really embrace it all.

For goodness sake.

Look at your curves. Your beautiful curves. They have so much to say. 

So why don't you let them speak?

Look at your smile. Your beautiful smile. It has the magic to turn night into day. 

So why don't you let it shine?

Look at your eyes. Your beautiful eyes. They are so daring. 

So why don't you let them see what others dare not to?

Look at your hands. Your beautiful hands. They are worthy of holding. 

So why don't you let anyone hold them?

Look at your lips. Your beautiful lips. They are like gold. 

So why don't you treat them as such?

Look at your hair. Your beautiful hair. It is simply stunning. 

So why do you call it a burden?

Look at your legs. Your beautiful legs. They are outlined like the Eiffel Tower. 

So why don't you let them be seen?

Look at your shoulders. Your beautiful shoulders. They are broad like the horizon. 

So why don't you give them the time of day?

Look at your posture. Your beautiful posture. It is as poise as a ballerina. 

So why are you afraid to walk alone?

Look at your heart. Your beautiful heart. It is oozing with love. 

So why don't you see that you are worthy of being loved?

Look at your spirit. Your beautiful spirit. It has a remarkable glow. 

So why do you doubt yourself?

Look at your strength. Your beautiful strength. It would take a village to carry the weight of your world. 

So why are you acting so weak?

Look at your accomplishments. Your beautiful accomplishments. At only 20 years old, you are juggling life remarkably.

So why do you feel inadequate?

Do you hear me? 

Girl, you better stop acting like you are useless, unworthy, not good enough, not pretty enough, not likable enough. 

Get a grip and do what Beyonce told you to do. 

Get in formation. 

Self-Care + Self-Love

You are worthy of love.

As I woke up this morning, I felt lifeless. It's the day after Valentine's Day and I am still without love. How sucky is that. I rolled out of bed and began to go through the same motions of life. Brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed, grab a quick bite to eat and head to work. Nothing new. Except, today I forgot to read my morning affirmation. I got to the other side of my front door and realized I didn't read it and rushed back in to do so. Any other day I would have just let it slide but today I needed a pick me up and my affirmations are just that. So as I opened up my 52 card deck of affirmations, I picked up the card on the top of the deck and read it aloud. It read, "You are worthy of love". It was like that card was placed on top of the deck perfectly by Cupid himself.

For the last 7 months I believed that I was unworthy of love or being loved. That I was too much to handle or just not pretty enough. That I was too different or not different enough. That I was needy or selfish or just boring. All of these thoughts took over my self-esteem. It didn't help that my ex-boyfriend was able to move on within a few weeks of us breaking up. Meanwhile, I'm having the worst of luck on dates and having Netflix and Chill sessions by myself. Go figure.

Don't get me wrong, the last 7 months have not been all bad for me nor my self-esteem. I have had days were I felt incredibly beautiful and blessed. Some days I remember all the stupid, ignorant, selfish things he put me through and I thank God I gave him the boot. Some days I remind myself that God has a plan for me. I just have to be patient and embrace the journey. As the stars align, my day of love will come. By knowing this now I rest easy and rise gracefully. 

But today is the day after Valentine's Day and I am on my way to work a 9 hour shift by myself. How cruel is that. And it's snowing. But my affirmation said that I am worthy so lets just go with that. Right? I am worthy of love. Okay, what type of love? His love? Her love? I need more details. I overanalyze these things often which gets me into trouble. So my mind is going 100 miles per hour trying to figure this affirmation out. Finally it hits me. I am worthy of self-love. A love that is one of a kind and irreplaceable. Self-love is the root of all happiness. If I am not happy with myself then I cannot and will not find happiness in a relationship. I will always put up a wall, I will always face jealousy, I will always question his loyalty and I will always second guess my judgement.  

I am familiar with self- love because I preach about it constantly but I lack it myself. Because honestly as I look in the mirror on most days, I do not like what I see. I pay close attention to my flaws and my failures. Like, my acne or the fact that I can't go to school this semester and sometimes even my short hair. I am crucial to myself and not loving enough. So today I decide to care for myself. Care for myself as I would want someone else to care for me-- with the kindest heart and most gentle touch. I am worthy of loving myself first. I know her better than anyone else so if I can love her unconditionally, he will strive to love her as I do. 

That will be my logic for my next relationship. But for now, I am enjoying this growing relationship with her. I'm getting to know myself and getting to understand the mantra of my heartbeat and the silhouette of my soul. It's a great feeling to know that I am worthy of love. 

And the best kind of love at that. 

FFANY 2016

 My dreams have come true. I had the pleasure of going to FFANY in New York City this past week with The Shoe Hive. For those who are not familiar with FFANY, it is widely known as the New York Shoe Expo. Buyers and sellers are connected at this shoe expo to discover new brands and get a preview of the latest fashion trends. This is what a lot of retailers refer to as "going to market". They are able to see the collections for the following season to decide what they will purchase for their stores and boutiques. This is the side of fashion most consumers do not think about or care much about. But for me, a fashion major and a fashion lover, this side of fashion has always been of interest to me.

Elizabeth, the owner of The Shoe Hive, invited me to New York for the 2016 Fall FFANY show. We spent two long days in The Big Apple going to showrooms and running through Manhattan. I got to see first hand how the job of a fashion buyer is done. I was asked my input on what products we should purchase for the store--from the style, to the color.

As we entered into each designer's showroom, we were greeted by receptionist and served hor d'oeuvres until our representative was ready to meet with us. Many retailers are appointed a brand representative. They will assist you with pretty much anything you need such as special orders, updates on orders, shipment confirmation, etc. You build great relationships with these people. Many of them even keep in touch with you throughout the year to make sure sales are looking up.

Our brand "reps" presented the new Fall 2016 collections while giving great detail on the different styles, structures and design for the shoes. After their presentation was complete, they gave us time to chose products we liked and thought would do well for The Shoe Hive. We took photographs and got product line sheets for each brand to assist us with our buy. After meetings on top of meetings, we packed up our belongings and headed back home. All of the photographs and data will be recorded and looked at closely to place product orders for Fall 2016.

My time at FFANY was so much fun and truly unforgettable. All of our showroom visits consisted of laughter, jokes and good vibes. The highlight of the trip was seeing and meeting some of the designers. Can you believe that we had the pleasure of meeting and chatting with Stuart Weitzman!

Elizabeth Todd, Stuart Weitzman, Christen Kinard, Me

SKIN PT. 3- A Social Experiment

Lets talk shall we. Women are the most amazing beings on this planet. Created to carry life and to nourish life. But men don't fully embrace "womenism" and all that it comes with, which makes us feel unworthy and unloved. This morning I woke up feeling beautiful and whole. I decided to embrace my body fully and capture the moment. I am not a nudist, I am not an advocate for young women showing off their bodies for fame or popularity but I am an advocate for inspiration and motivation.

This social experiment is to see how many people will report, hate or unfollow me because of the simple fact that I chose to publicly embrace my body. This world has completely redefined the anatomy of a woman. They see our bodies as sex symbols. Made to please them and only made to please them. News flash idiots, we are not a sex symbol.

I will not apologize if my body brings you discomfort or pleasure. I will not apologize if my body brings you confusion. I will not apologize for any of it. I am a woman. I have stretch-marks and cellulite, and I bleed each month and my nipples point outward so that they can fit easily into my future child's mouth. I am a woman. I am not a painting, a piece of art or an advertisement. I am a woman. I have bags underneath my eyes and acne on my face, and hair underneath my arms, my legs and even on my knuckles. I am a woman. I have a brain. I am a woman. I am not perfect in your eyes but I was made perfectly by God.  I am a woman who hopes to motivate other women to embrace their bodies.

Love your self babygirl.