Dear Self: Daddy-less

You are not daddy-less, you are just blessed to have a strong superwoman instead. 

You are not daddy-less. That indicates something is missing. You are not missing anything. 

You are not daddy-less. God just chose you to be one out of a handful of people to have a superwoman as a mother. 

That man was just a sperm donor. That is it. I know that sounds harsh but who cares. 

The word dad and father are meaningful. Meaningful to some, useless to me. I didn't grow up with a father or a dad.

I had men in my life that tried to fill that emptiness. 

But none could stay long enough to hear the emptiness in my heart or to see the pain deep in my soul.

They tried, yes. But I would have preferred they didn't. 

I would have preferred my superwoman and that's it. Because she is incomparable. 

And he. He is forgiven. Forgiven for the feeling of abandonment I have such a hard time to shake. 

Forgiven for the torture. The torture of being their one day and disappearing the next. How could he?

Forgiven, because if I hold a grudge I am only hurting myself in the long run. 

Forgiven, because if I don't forgive him, every man that tries to love me will have to deal with the pain he caused.

Forgiven, because I don't need him in my life.

Forgiven, because I don't understand why and if I spend my entire life trying to understand I will be miserable.

Forgiven, because he taught me lessons that no one else can or will even have the opportunity to try. 

Like the lesson of worth. To know your worth is to rise above the worthlessness of deception and despair. 

He is forgiven, because my superwoman will always be there. Even when she is not and will not, her presence will be noticeable. 

Noticeable in the way I speak, the way I stand, the way I smile, the way I laugh.

And he. He won't be noticed at all. Because he left me. 

I'm older now and I am learning what it means to be "daddy-less". It isn't a flaw. It is a blessing. 

But only a blessing if you learn from his mistakes. I am now embracing my daddy-less demeanor.

You know, that demeanor that tends to scare boys off because "she is too troubled". Yes, that demeanor that comes off as angry and stuck up. 

Now every time I notice myself being an "angry black woman" I smile. I smile because I reflect on everything I have been through.

I smile because I have come a long way and I know my worth.

You may not understand why I smile but it isn't for you to get.

Just know, my daddy was in prison before my first steps as a child. He was in prison and he got out. 

He got out and tried to rekindle our relationship. He got out only to go back in 10 years later. 

And it hurts, but it will not define me. It will not define the relationship with my future husband. It will be a lesson learned. 

I have to remind myself that I am not daddy-less. God just chose me to be raised by a superwoman instead.